Self-compassion can be hard - but it’s worth it
The word compassion means “to suffer with.” Compassion, therefore, involves recognizing the suffering of another and feeling with them in that moment. This usually means emotions of warmth, caring, empathy, kindness, and understanding, as well as a wish to help alleviate their suffering (Neff, 2023).
Being kind to yourself is commonly referred to as “self-compassion.” Self-compassion is the intentional practice of extending the same kindness and grace to yourself that is often easily or automatically given to others, such as friends and family, and even strangers. This sounds simple, but in reality, we are often much harsher with ourselves than we are with others. When we fail, we tend to judge ourselves. When we are going through challenges, we may engage in self-blame or berate ourselves for not being able to cope as well as we would want to. However, when a loved one fails, we likely extend kindness and understanding to them. When a loved one is experiencing something hard, such as a loss or a setback in life, we likely recognize their suffering and offer them help and assistance. When a friend feels inadequate, we likely focus on their strengths and try to lift them up.
Why, then, do we not do the same to ourselves? Why can it be so hard to extend kindness to ourselves rather than judgment, criticism, frustration, and self-blame (among other things)?
There are many reasons why self-compassion is so challenging to practice, but here are a few common ones. Read through them to see if any of these resonate with you.
Worrying that being kind to yourself will lead to laziness and complacency – that is to say, that self-compassion means that you just “let yourself off the hook” for anything and everything, and results in a lack of accountability (Horton, 2020). Related to this is a fear that self-compassion will make you “weak” and less able to grit through challenging situations (Germer & Neff, 2019).
Difficulty seeing yourself as worthy of compassion from anyone – including yourself. This may be the case, especially for those who grew up with minimal compassion from caregivers (Horton, 2020). Opening up to self-compassion may open a door to previously avoided memories and feelings, and this can be difficult to work through (Horton, 2020).
Believing that self-compassion is selfish and that you should be directing your energies elsewhere (Horton, 2020).
Focusing on and prioritizing self-esteem rather than self-compassion. Often, self-esteem can be conditional on performance and achieving goals (Horton, 2020). Failure can therefore impact self-esteem negatively. When this occurs, self-compassion can seem impossible because our sense of self is tied to success and accomplishment, and our shame at failing can override our ability to extend kindness to ourselves.
Even with these challenges, learning to practice self-compassion can reap many significant benefits. Research has overwhelmingly shown that self-compassion leads to better emotional well-being and physical health outcomes.
Higher levels of self-compassion are linked with less anxiety, stress, and depression, as well as lower levels of self-consciousness, and greater emotional intelligence. Self-compassion also can lead to a reduction in negative thinking and an increase in positive thinking. It is associated with increased life satisfaction, optimism, happiness, gratitude, and hope. In addition to this already expansive list, self-compassion is also related to increased authenticity, autonomy, competence, and initiative. The research therefore demonstrates that fears of self-compassion leading to poorer outcomes (such as laziness or a lack of accountability) are unfounded. Instead, self-compassion greatly expands our abilities to move through life’s stresses and achieve our potential – we just beat ourselves up less, and can enjoy life more, along the way. We can learn from failure rather than fearing it, or being crushed by it (Germer & Neff, 2019).
If these emotional and psychological benefits are not enough to demonstrate the value of cultivating self-compassion, it is also linked with better physical health outcomes. Those who are self-compassionate are more likely to seek medical attention when needed, as well as being more highly motivated to live healthier lifestyles (including sleep, diet, and exercise) (Germer & Neff, 2019)
There are many ways to begin practicing self-compassion. One way is to get in touch with us at Modern Resilience Therapy, as we specialize in helping clients understand their own unique obstacles, overcome these to build self-compassion into their daily lives, and move towards a gentler and kinder relationship with themselves.
To get started, you can look at a situation in your life, or in your internal emotional landscape, where you are having a tough time. Notice what you say to yourself about that situation or experience. Then, think about if a friend or family member was experiencing the same thing. Then imagine that a friend or family member has come to you and shared their experience. What would you say to them? Then, compare that to what you are saying to yourself. Are these dialogues different? If they are, consider altering your self-talk to more closely mirror that of what you would say to a loved one when speaking to yourself.
We can help! At Modern Resilience Therapy, we believe that self-compassion is a fundamental pillar to building resilience and psychological flexibility. Perfectionism – so common in high-achieving individuals that we specialize in helping – is correlated with lower self-compassion (Boyes, 2021). We have therefore made self-compassion a specialty area in our practice.
If you think you could benefit from cultivating the ability to be more kind to yourself (and most of us could!) reach out for a free exploratory call.
If you would like to test how self-compassionate you are, you can head to Dr. Kristen Neff’s website to take a self-compassion quiz. You can also see Dr. Neff’s website for additional self-compassion resources, including guided meditations, or watch her Ted Talk.
References
Boyes, A. (12 January 2021). Be kinder to yourself. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2021/01/be-kinder-to-yourself
Germer, C., & Neff, K. (2019). Teaching the mindful self-compassion program: A guide for professionals. The Guilford Press, USA.
Horton, A.P. (3 May 2020). Why you find it so difficult to be nice to yourself. Fast Company. https://www.fastcompany.com/90468300/why-is-self-compassion-important-and-difficult-to-practice
Neff, K. (2023). Self-compassion. https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/